Ask For What You Really Want
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep.
Rumi
Soul Friend,
Having dropped into Marrakech, I am living in two worlds.
In one, I have an idyllic existence. Two beautifully generous men are hosting me in an artistically appointed riad, seeing to not just an abundant and tasty daily breakfast, but bringing a desk into my room so I can write, serving me a complimentary dinner the night of my arrival, offering to run out for any additional groceries or supplies I may need. In this world, the sun is shining, but it's not too hot, and the birds are singing inside and outside. It is truly magical.
In another world fires are raging, destroying homes and habitats, my intimates contend with questions and relationships that have no easy solutions, the whole world waits and wonders what new chaos awaits us with a new US administration.
I wonder, can I live in both places at once? Have I abandoned the one by leaving for the other?
***
Last night I dreamt of my Beloved meeting me on the stairway landing, halfway between upstairs and downstairs.
Upstairs I could step through a door and be in Marrakech, crossing onto a sunny terrace where birds sang as I ate breakfast or practiced yoga and centering prayer. Down the stairs awaited my Grand Rapids kitchen, just as I'd left it, though the Beloved had been at work, clearing and cleaning utensil drawers. Extraneous tools and mouse droppings were gone. The drawers seemed to be awaiting some renewed life purpose.
Heading back upstairs I was disoriented. That's when the Beloved met me on the landing, halfway between the two floors. We reclined there together. I told him how disoriented I was, how urgent it felt to return to Marrakech, but that I wasn't sure I'd purchased a return ticket.
He listened, then somewhat out of the blue, asked, "Why didn't we make love last night?"
Taken aback, I asked, "Had you wanted to?"
"Don't you remember me asking if you wanted to surrender? I mean, I didn't say it just that way, but I asked."
I told him he should quit being so subtle.
He just looked at me.
That's when I realized his subtIety wasn't the problem, my inner conflict was. I'd said I wanted his love, but the truth was I didn't want to let go to receive it.
***
Soul friends, don't we all live in two worlds? There's our every day existence, with its pragmatic demands, predictable tools and routines, survival challenges, and human comforts.
For me, this is often a world of doing more than being, of problem solving more than awe provoking. In this world, I do a lot of holding: holding things in, holding things together, holding others, holding boundaries.
But there's another world, too. I'm often blind to it. In this world I'm held. Someone, or a whole host of someones, is looking out for me, preparing the way for me, inviting me to intimacies and adventures beyond my imaginings or design.
Of course, the two worlds aren't really separate. The Beloved has been in my kitchen, decluttering, without my input. And since my luggage was left behind in Paris, in Marrakech I'm washing my own underwear in the sink (glad I had that extra pair in my personal item!).
As Rumi says,
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep.
Marrakech is a deeply sensual place, permeated by the scent of tagine smoke and orange flowers, with hints of donkey dung. Texture and color riot through the cobblestoned alleys. Rivers of prayers sound through open windows.
I think the Beloved has led me here to be saturated in this other world, to take it into my cells. To heighten the paradox of these two existences. Because it is in paradox, in the opposing energies of life, that we experience creative synergy. This is how we make Love, together.
How is the Beloved calling to you, dear Soul Friend? What paradox are you living? How might the Beloved be awakening you to a neglected side of that? Or meeting you between these two worlds? Where has your own creative synergy stalled? Are you asking for what your really want? Are you conflicted? How might you deepen your Yes?
Dancing with Mystery, in Love, for Love,